back...sick again...

so i have had a little tiny bump for ages - right on my ribcage where my bra rubs and the lady doctor always told me it was nothing to worry about...well, nothing until this weekend when it quadrupled in size and started hurting...

hurting so bad that i'm going to have to take painkillers to go to lectures tonight because i can't miss because my tutor is giving me feedback on my first draft of my first ever academic paper - so far over email she says tis very very good!

but anyway - went to the doctor this morning...and she says she's worried about all the infections i tend to keep getting...this is my third bad infection this year already and winter hasn't even hit. so still 14 months after tx and my body is shot.

i've just started training hard and am on a tight calorie controlled diet - i'm wondering if this has anything to do with it? especially the training...am back at the hospital in december so will talk to them more about it then.

right now i just need to lie down with hot compresses to try and draw this out...ugh!

fish my wish

so i went to go stay with fishie at the weekend.
as brixxolfest was a bit very boring with its silent disco we went off to the hatchet - this really old pub that was full of yummy rock and rollers, but it was full full full so we decided to leave. i spotted the yummiest of the rock and roll boys across the room - totally my type - looks just like the scandotoy but dresses like my old old pikey boy ex.

i could not believe it when he stopped me on my way out and told me how lovely my tattoos were - so we got talking, and talking, and talking, and talking, then i went off to the loo and we still kept talking - good sign as he coulda made his exit then...then back to fishie's place for a nightcap as it turns out he lives round the corner from him! fishie's place wasn't rocking as much as her and i would have liked so we walked him home.

and i stayed!
it was lovely, all night hugs and cuddles and more, then more in the morning, and the next night he dropped by and stayed. big big love to the fishwhisker for letting me kick her out of her bed for the night, that is true friendship. and now i'm sitting here in london one total smitten kitten as he's coming to visit me for a long long lovely weekend on thursday night.

wow, its happened so soon and i'm trying not to freak out or jinx it so am trying to relax into it and just enjoy it - but it's so damn hard after being so hurt. fingers crossed this one doesn't rip my heart out and stamp on it.

can i just make a list please?

fell in love
got sick found out it was hepc
got engaged
did tx
fiance lost his job
i got the all clear
x husband died
engagement called off
got mastitis
have a lump
and now i might have the menopause!

luckily i'm still on the prozac

so how is everyone else???

believe.

now i really really really can't believe this...just got the lumpy thing diagnosed and now somethingelse! like i wrote in my last post - this is a lots to have happen in the last 2 years.

do the twist...

still thinking so much about change...
2 years ago i was soooo happy - had a lovely job and with the best person i'd met in my life.
then i got sick and was so upset.

now i'm clear
and my job is mad, andthe fiance is gone, how ironic.

but the BIG twist is yesterday i had to go to the breast clinic.
the mastitis i had in june is gone but my right breast is still lumpy so went to have it checked.
big twist is though that the person i wanted there with me was my scandotoy, not the ex fiance.

not sure if i'm moving on because this was my rebound - so t'is all wrapped up together really.

so it looks like i probably need surgery.
the scandotoy is coming from oslo to make sure i'm okay.

not sure i am...

ugh!
the only time i've been in hospital or sick in my life before hepc was when i had me c-section.
now seems i dont' go a month without something happening!

its gone midnight. a year ago today i finished tx.
my life has changed so much since then.
the lovely fiance is gone.
my daughter moved in yesterday to take care of me.
funny how things work out.

hope everyone else is doing well
i'm barely keeping it together, life is shitstrange and work is manic...and i miss my fishie!

so back to the doc tomoro...

just off the phone with the hep nurse.
she phoned me back as hospital messing me about a bit with my ultrasounds and fibroscans. i know when they are just not where, lol.

so was talking to her about the latest bout of illness and how my breast is still infected from the mastitis. and she said i looked really rundown last time i was in...and reminded me that i didn't take enough of a break during tx.

great. but when will that no longer matter?

back

from ibiza!

bosom buddies

okay, so bit more proper post now i'm feeling more human.
i was sick sick sicker than a dog and twas very scary.
if my daughter had not taken me to the doc last friday who knows what could have happened as i certainly wasn't able to get myself anywhere. my fever was 44degrees (in eurotrash degrees).
that is the highest the doc had ever seen...ever.

so what i thought was tattoo flu from a new tattoo, then turned into what i reckoned was stomach flu as everyone i'd spent the weekend with in soho had it bad - so bad that my friend just layed on her stairs and wished for death...so i wasn't alone. it wasn't just flu though - my breasts were covered in horrid red marks, like i'd had the month before when i was sick and went to the doc! only 5 times worse.

doc gave me 2 x different types of penicillin and the heaviest codeinies allowed as my head was a death grip of pain.

so it seems i also had cellulitis across my whole chest, but it turned out to not just be in the skin, but in the breast itself - so lovely mastitis...which i reckon i'd been carrying around for a month since last time i was ill. lucky lucky lucky my daughter dragged me to the doctor with her when she did! so a week later and my fever is finally down to normal and if i wasn't full of pills i'm sure i'd have an appetite.

BUT
my right bosom which seems to be patientX is still a couple cup sizes bigger due to infection.
which could be quite comical if i do make it to ibiza next week...

i really do hope i get to go!
it doesnt seem like it will my big blow out vacation that i'd planned, but i'll still be going out all night dancin' the first night me and my punker friend that works at the ship land. then the next day i'll just head up into the hills to a spa and spend it soaking in salt baths - seasalt has got to be good for bad bosoms...

also really hope i can go to give my daughter a break.
she's been amaxingly wonderful despite herself being down, she's taken such good care of me.
i really am lucky.

better

feeling better - first day that i've even felt like reading or eating...

monday in bed

actually too tired/feverish to post but will update you all soon - hope everyone else is doing better than me!

her time now

this week has been a really really hard week and i'm feeling more and more lonely than ever,
got home from the hospital on wednesday to find my daughter here, very upset and it's not got any better. i'm afraid she is going through some sort of breakdown and i really have no idea how to deal with it and please if anyone out there has any advice send me a comment. basically she is low. it seems like depression as she is sleeping all the time...i just wish i was in a stronger place to be of more help to her.

amaxingly the x-fiance has been lovely altho i don't want to hear what he has to say. he thinks she might need residential care and i refuse to do it as they are horrid places. still, besides my new flatmate who is my old friend from dublin and my daughter's friend's family, i feel i really have no one. i've txted my family to ask for them to at least get in touch with her so she feels she has support, but nothing. i miss church. this is when i really need the support of others and there is nothing here in london for me.

i've thought about flying us both back home just so we aren't so alone, but not sure that is the answer either...it's just so hard. whenever i'm in a different room to her i just break down into tears myself. i want my engagement back, i want to be settled down, i don't want to be alone.

back

back to the hospital on wednesday...
and am so worn out it's probably a good thing!
i've got horrid mouth ulcers again and anytime i get a spot it turns into a weeping pus sore. lovely - just what i need now i'm a single woman again.

world hepatitis day and what is different?

this post is about me...all me, just me...but it is my blog = so there!

so it's may 19th again and where am i?
stuck on the sofa barely getting over the worst flu in my life. worse than any tx weekend i ever had, and even though my fever has finally broken , my voice and throat still really really really hurt and i'm exhausted...ugh.

luckily my nadie showed up today to measure the spare room as she is going to be moving in with me. it's another step in moving on but not so bad as she is in the same rebound phase as me one of my best friends...

i had to start the day by getting out of bed and getting in a cool bath, but fingers crossed my fever has finally borken this evenin...am going to be sensible though and not go to work but head to the hospital in the morning and get my bloods that i need done for my appt in june and also see if i can dropby my specialist because i'm really worried my immunes must still be shot as sick as i've been this weekend...

...and i have to be well for next weekend!

hope everyone else is okay x

practice not perfect

i have not been this sick since the week after tx! i'm so fluey it is hard to type because i have hot fever chills and burny eyes and sore throat...so i've taken every painkiller and vitamin in the house and am bundled up in front of sky plus watching tivo'd episodes of 24.

of course i'd rather be out in soho with my friends but i need a sensible few days. funny as i thought it was a hangover as my lovely director girl bought me champagne after quite a gruelling client meeting...then i went for a half while everyone else was chugging pints - but i was still the drunkest!

i'm so out of practice...

fingers crossed it passes soon.

hugs x

blood blood gimme blood

fishie reminded me that i need to get my bloods done...
work has been madness lately, so much so that i've hardly had time to eat (making up for it by beer in the eve) and the anxiety of losing my job now i'm alone is pushing me into overworking even when i'm exhausted, so i've not taken the time to go to the hospitl and wait - i hate that i can't make an appointment to have it done!

so next week before i head off on my scandoland adventures i have to get lots of tests.
escpecially will be interesting to find out my hormone levels...i'm needing them alot lately! which is what i just keep trying to focus on getting away rather than all my internal wobbles at the moment. i still can't believe that everything got so messed up. i miss my best friend - feeling so hollow without him...

i wish i could be stronger!

yawn...

i'm not sure if i need my citalopram changed or not but i feel pukey sick even more than usual lately and i'm yawning constantly...then again i do keep forgetting to take it - so totally the opposite from a couple weeks ago when i was triple dosing myself so maybe i just need it to all settle down again.

going for blood

i finally said to the fiance last night that i can't take anymore - it's time for me to start taking care of myself and having a chance of celebrating that i have a second chance at life since my svr...since january i've been living on eggshells and i just can't keep doing it without losing my job, my mind, and everything else...

so went to the doc to get more prozac, but despite what the relate therapist says i'm still self medicating and upping the dose with extras donated from friends that no longer take it.

(big thanks to you know who you are!!!!)

i washed them down with beer at the pub at lunch - went with a colleague who is the most amazing person and gives the best advice.

and as well as getting the drugs, i've also got a blood test slip to go get my hormone levels and diabetes, and everything else - she agrees that the interferon has probably aged my body - especially my lovely heart shaped box!

this week has been...

strange...i thought that i'd posted last night from my igoogle widgety thing but it doesn't seem to have happened...and it's lost. like me.

things were so looking up with the fiance.
i'd taken humble's suggestion and txt'd him that i loved him and then we met up and things felt more back to normal - how they were before he was layed off work. until i had to push it.
i just really really want things to move on and to live together, i miss having him in my life 24/7.

at least it was after a nice dinner at an italian place that we found to eat.
tis the first time we've italian outside italy at a restaraunt not owned/cheffed by his family.
it was lovely! except they had strega and he made me drink it. so not my favourite.

so if i drink strega for him why can't he move in for me???
if you've had this drink you know it's a fair trade!!!

was a very strange thing to toast my mom's all clear from her biospy.
i'd been holding my breath for her as now i know what it's like to be waiting for results.
but she's ok - so high fives!!!

period!

my period seems to be continuing on the dessert theme...

i have now gone from chocolate fudge brownie to rhubarb and custard!

and interesting tonight at my usual tuesday stitch and bitch talking to someone else who has been through it and how much her doc told her that interferon ages the ovaries.

great. but when do my ovaries realise that and just roll over dead???

twintime

today didn't start out as planned, but turned out better than almost any other day i have ever had...my lovely non-evil mormon twin humbleheart is here in london visiting and we spent the day wandering around, talking, hangin out, and eating at nandos...of all places.

then i dropped her off to meet her kids and had an 'evening cap' tall glass of wine with friends in the local...

now just home resting my heels!

meetup FAIL

so saturday....i wanted to get up and get going to the meet up at paddington, but the lovely fiance wanted a nice lunch - and who am i to quibble, as being a gluten free guy he's not able to eat everywhere so we wandered into covent garden for a curry at masala zone - but after sitting there ages and the servers walking past at least 3 times each and no one even offering to take a drinks order, we walked out - and the door host had the gall to smile and thank us for coming!!!!

i told him flat out that we were leaving due to non service and he just smiled - maybe he was a robotm or didn't speak english other than a few practised phrases? what sucks is that masala zone was one of the few places i like to eat when on tx - the food was soo good and tastey - but has really gone downhil, as well as the service. last time we went the mango bellinis were nothing more than mango juice topped up with sparkling wine - not the other way round...ugh.

then we went to cafe pacifico to have the loveliest mexican food lunch this side of california - and the service was extraordinarily amaxing - so good we had to really compliment them! now know where we will be heading to eat whenever in covent garden...and needing frozen margaritas.

so anyway - bakc to the FAIL bit on my part...
the lovely fiance is still limpy due to his broken knee and had picked some things up at the builder's merchant for his house - so we came home to drop them off, and rest his leg...and i took some painkillers because even though i tried to eat nothing but very very soft gooey food, my chin job was agony.

i then fell asleep and woke up around 20:00.
yes i know i probably needed it = as i'd not slept for days due to pain and stress, but it means i missed the nomads en masse...i now need to try and see everyone individually as soon as possible!!! still, the lipo was worth it.

back to the future...

ugh...
guess what i'm going to have for breakfast today?
either organic probiotic soya yogurt with honey, or the same thing whizzed with a banana...
because of my lovely new chin, i'm not really able to open my mouth very wide or chew so i'm back on the riba breakfast diet for at least another 4 days til the bandages come off. yuuu-kkk.

hopefully i'll lose a bit of weight!

the reason i have to eat is because my lovely french plastic surgeon has put me on antibiotics and they should be taken mid-meal (yes we all know about that) or will make me puke. but then everything makes me puke these days - i'm still getting such bad travel sickness, even on trains, which used to not happen before tx. any way - back to the chin - because i had to have a small incision for the laser to be slipped into, i'm taking anti-biotics as a precaution.

oh, and i'll definitely be scarved up if i see you all tomoro...xxx

past is present

luckily everyone else was too busy or sick or whatever to see me last night, because i'd forgot i said that i'd meet up with the punkrock ex loverboy as he was in town getting his eyes tested. so we met up in the ship (yes fishwhiskers and foodlebug know it well - where we went for pirate night!) and hung out catching up properly about how just when you think life is sorted and settled it all goes shit again...

...and of course we talked about hepc too as he's finally getting round to dealing with it after 25 years. i guess i'm kinda like is mentor or sponsor or something as i'm the only person he knows that has has it and has been through treatment, so yea we talked long and hard about it and i told him the 2 main things he needs to find out first and now - well next week when he goes to the hospital. i've told him to find out his genotype and get a sonogram of his liver - both asap.

he's going to whipp's cross hospital - does anyone have any experience there?
THANKS IN ADVANCE!!!

april fool

i've had so much to write but just not been in the mood to sit and type it all out...

things are all still up and down with the fiance, but at least now when it's down he is still communicating with me, so i am coping with it better. so hence i'm more able to blog today i guess. and as well as write, i've made it to the gym as well - i have a new workout routine that my lovely trainer joshua has made for me - trying to build myself back up and lose the weight that has been piling on...so already hurting, am gonna be really sore in the morning!

and that's not the only soreness i've got.

finally seem to be getting my first post-treatment post-depo period. and it doesn't feel right or like any of the other periods i've ever had...for one thing this bleeding is dark dark almost black, and chunky like a chocolate brownie. but with cramps that are alot less painful than any i've ever had in my life, ever. strange.

another strange thing is i seem to have some wierd post-treatment stigmata (see photo, those are old piercings). i've got a mark/bruise on my belly that looks just like an interferon shot mark. how strange is this? the fiance thinks its some sort of psychosomatic thing. i'm not sure what it is...its just wierd.

gay paree...i wish!

back from paris...and missing it already.
had a great time with my daughter over there and could really live there.
i'd have to get my french back and a job, but damn it's so much nicer than london - something for me to think about next time my daughter goes wandering off again, because really that is the only reason i have to be in london right now...

...because i'm really fucking up at work thanks to the fiance thing.
yea i know tx hasn't helped - but i should be celebrating and supporting all those that supported me while i was sick - instead i'm horrid at work and i can't think and they are tired of it. damn. i am tired of it - but other than double my prozac or top myself i really don't see a way out of this depression.

i hate being alone and even more so now i'm not brain dead from interferon.
can just see the rest of my life ahead of me with no one and it makes me nausesous.
nothing to do with the vodka bruch - course not.