so much pressure

just back from the doc again this morning. she has added clindamyacin into the mix of two types of penicillin and codeine and huge ibuprofen. if i don't get any better i am going to have to go into the hospital...which is really scary.

i guess i didn't realise how bad this infection was.

and it's now spread into my left breast and is causing another bout of mastitis. so the doc wants to look into why my immune system isn't springing back as well as it should...

but first we need to clear this alien.
and i've had to swear that i will not cut it out myself, as evidently where it is situated almost in the middle top of my ribcage, there are too many vtial thngs that could go wrong.

so i'm home in bed still, scared, and upset, but i don't want to show my daughter how worried i am, so keeping it together til the blondeboy gets here from cardiff this evening. i want him here if i have to go into the hospital this weekend...

...and not helping that work is freaking out and really pressuring me. but then none of us realised how bad it was!

just showed my daugther and we both agree it is gross gross gross...

her time now

this week has been a really really hard week and i'm feeling more and more lonely than ever,
got home from the hospital on wednesday to find my daughter here, very upset and it's not got any better. i'm afraid she is going through some sort of breakdown and i really have no idea how to deal with it and please if anyone out there has any advice send me a comment. basically she is low. it seems like depression as she is sleeping all the time...i just wish i was in a stronger place to be of more help to her.

amaxingly the x-fiance has been lovely altho i don't want to hear what he has to say. he thinks she might need residential care and i refuse to do it as they are horrid places. still, besides my new flatmate who is my old friend from dublin and my daughter's friend's family, i feel i really have no one. i've txted my family to ask for them to at least get in touch with her so she feels she has support, but nothing. i miss church. this is when i really need the support of others and there is nothing here in london for me.

i've thought about flying us both back home just so we aren't so alone, but not sure that is the answer either...it's just so hard. whenever i'm in a different room to her i just break down into tears myself. i want my engagement back, i want to be settled down, i don't want to be alone.

gay paree...i wish!

back from paris...and missing it already.
had a great time with my daughter over there and could really live there.
i'd have to get my french back and a job, but damn it's so much nicer than london - something for me to think about next time my daughter goes wandering off again, because really that is the only reason i have to be in london right now...

...because i'm really fucking up at work thanks to the fiance thing.
yea i know tx hasn't helped - but i should be celebrating and supporting all those that supported me while i was sick - instead i'm horrid at work and i can't think and they are tired of it. damn. i am tired of it - but other than double my prozac or top myself i really don't see a way out of this depression.

i hate being alone and even more so now i'm not brain dead from interferon.
can just see the rest of my life ahead of me with no one and it makes me nausesous.
nothing to do with the vodka bruch - course not.

easy like sunday evening...

no idea what it's doing to my liver but i had to do some vicodin this evening = it was the only thing i had in my house that would chill me out enough to go meet the lovely fiance. i'm not sure what is going to happen but he wants space while he looks for a new job...that could be days or weeks or ? in this recession. ugh. all i can do is keep getting on with my life and crochet and daughter and friends and be here for him when he gets his head round everything that is going on...

this weekend...

so much on so have missed all the hep-related meet ups and things. sorry everyone! my daughter flew in on friday so been hanging out with her...

almost halfway!

tomoro night is shot 12.

and i wish i could find some sort of pattern emerging to treatment and stuff, but no...except for feeling like all i do is work and sleep. last night i tried the gym and only managed 24 minutes of the lightest cardio - that is less than my usual warm up at level 6 used to be! ugh. i can feel my thighs expanding as i type...

then went home. was so tired i hardly managed to get the clothes in the new washer/dryer then was in bed by 10pm, luckily with the fiance there to cuddle me and rub my feet...so not so lonely, but wide awake by 2am, daughter popped in very drunk around 3am so at least i had someone to watch old episodes of bewitched with!

so today am exhausted. and needing more codeine.
thursday is usually my best day and i feel horrid. which usually means friday shot night will not be fun. saturday will have to be spent doing absolutely nothing (altho i want my hair touched up again badly) as the fiance's family is here from naples on sunday and we need to show them around. my idea is take them on a river boat cruise up the thames then do the london eye so i can just sit sit sit rather than walk walk walk.

and i've got the 24/7 queasies now. ginger. ginger. ginger...is my friend.

perfect ten

shot number 10 done...

completely changed my routine and it went well - best its gone since i was away at easter and in the hotel.

got home early from work meetings, so warmed my shot up between my tits for 15 minutes while i finished up work calls and txts and stuff. then went in the bathroom - we changed the bulb up to 100watt this week so no more mood lighting but means i don't have to flick the air bubbles out in the kitchen with a whole office block across the street watching.

i think the air bubbles disappear easier the warmer the shot is...

so did it. no problems. whoo hoo.

then finished up work.

the daughter is on her way over to steal some more eyelashes off me for her show tonight.
flatmate also has a show, so will have the place to myself - which rarely happenz! alien vs predator is on film four, and i might relax my friday night banning of the fiance and let him round later on.

now need to take some painkillers.

just wish i had enough energy to heat up some soup...
my legs are soooo tired from going to the soulwax launch thingy last night at the south bank.
it was my firzt proper night out and about since starting tx and i did really well!