tang redux

well i got better and i got fatter.
it seems to be a curse of the middle aged lady that goes through tx...

i have got to the point that nothing fits, and my bursitis has flared up - so what am i doing about it?

going on a space food diet!

and today is day one.
i've tried vanilla shake that i blended with ice ice and more ice and it took me about 45 mins to drink, the orange powder for water which really makes me feel like an astronaut, and now the mushroom cuppa soup that is yummier than any other mushroomy soup that i have ever had - although it could do with some garlic, but then i'd be stuck with garlic breath and that would suck because for some reason i'm not allowed gum.

probably because of all the shit in it and that whole chewing creating tummy juices thing...
so have a bottle of listerine in my desk to rinse rinse rinse away as much as possibl3.

my goal is to look good by ibiza-time which should be no problem.
i'm sooo loooking forward to dancing on the tables at bora-bora with the russian prostitutes!

when???

so when does it get better?

hospital say none of my aches or pains are leftovers from tx.

does that mean it is all menopause related then...

taking sage does seem to help!

whatever is wrong with me, sage is a miracle drug.

super!

my super sweet super sexy punkerboy ex lover started his tx yesterday...i am so proud of him for finally going for it!

so back to the doc tomoro...

just off the phone with the hep nurse.
she phoned me back as hospital messing me about a bit with my ultrasounds and fibroscans. i know when they are just not where, lol.

so was talking to her about the latest bout of illness and how my breast is still infected from the mastitis. and she said i looked really rundown last time i was in...and reminded me that i didn't take enough of a break during tx.

great. but when will that no longer matter?

gay paree...i wish!

back from paris...and missing it already.
had a great time with my daughter over there and could really live there.
i'd have to get my french back and a job, but damn it's so much nicer than london - something for me to think about next time my daughter goes wandering off again, because really that is the only reason i have to be in london right now...

...because i'm really fucking up at work thanks to the fiance thing.
yea i know tx hasn't helped - but i should be celebrating and supporting all those that supported me while i was sick - instead i'm horrid at work and i can't think and they are tired of it. damn. i am tired of it - but other than double my prozac or top myself i really don't see a way out of this depression.

i hate being alone and even more so now i'm not brain dead from interferon.
can just see the rest of my life ahead of me with no one and it makes me nausesous.
nothing to do with the vodka bruch - course not.

stop...in the name of love

this has to stop.
i'm eating myself to death...ugh!
because of the art project i weighed myself and am 87.1 kilos!
which means i've gained ALOT since all this has started going on with the fiance.
i was down to 80 kilos on tx.

so today's menu is coffee with soya milk, and tofu and salad for lunch and dinner...well fingers crossed as am meeting up with my friend for lunch as she's over here visiting from dublin.

still not talked to the fiance since saturday night when i asked him to leave because he was being antagonistic. don't know if this is finally it or not.

it's strange to think that it's only been a couple weeks since i got the all clear SVR - seems like it was ages ago. i should be feeling great and light and celebrating - but he's taken that away from me and instead i'm stressed and anxious with no idea where i stand any longer.

food glorious food

i've gone from hardly eating anything at - first from tx, then stress then from tummy fluey something, but now i'm feeling the urge to stress eat from depression and anxiety and fear...so i've tried to figure out my 'safe' food - something that i've worked on previously with hypnosos - only then i still at fish all the time so it was a fishy safe food, and now with the yucky belly i've not been very adventurous - and chosen rice. yup, rice. rice made with vegan broth so at least it has a bit of taste...

made some last night and plan to keep some always on the hob so if i feel like binging at least it'll be there...altho this may all be quite moot as i'm going to be taking part in an art project by charting my weight for 13 days onto a music scale and then having it played by an orchestra and turned into a cellphone ringtone!

so last big meal tonight - as tis english mothers day and my daughter is coming over to make me a big thai dinner when she is finished filming today...

oh! and...

it was interesting to talk to my french doctor about achieving svr...
of course he's gone into plastic surgery so isn't completely up on the latest achievements of tx but was so impressed that i'd cleared completely, especially as he's lost a friend to hepC.
but, also interesting is that he'd been a testee for drug trials of interferon when he was a poor med student - and he remembers horridly how sick he was and he never did drug trials after that!

another interesting snippet is that my french doc feels that when he is ill that he is more achey than is normal - and he still blames this on the interferon trials he did years ago.

hmmm...makes sense to me!
i'm alot more achey than i ever was before tx.

snoozy...

so tired tonight.
but walked bak and forth to work, as well as to the postbox at lunch and then the gym!
have really been pushing it at the gym = not back to pre tx but really trying to build it up.

the information i'd been waiting for from the community mental nurse came through today and there seems to be a good little workbook/pamphlet about anxiety that i'll look at in more detail later on.

but first i want to do some yoga tummy exercises.
the gym has all new equipment and the new stomach machines have big heavy straps that are too long AND hurt my bosoms!

as cold as ice...

seems that i may not have come out of tx with my relationship unscathed...
the lovely fiance's redundancy has put so much strain on him that i dont know what to do to pull him out...and then something happened last night at home which just wasn't right. i went cold and i don't know how to deal with it all. i have absolutely no one to talk to about it and i realise that without him i am totally alone here in this country - but even if i moved back home to my family i would still be alone...i've just been gone too long.

he wont' speak to me and i just feel nothing.
i've txt'd him that i'll wait as i love him no matter what happens...

i've not felt this bad since the last half of tx.
luckily i'm still on the anti-d's.

want to get away next weekend but also want to make my hair red now it's growing back.

did it.

just got home from getting the blood drawn for my 3 month post-txpcr to see if i' still clear.
weird. i'm alot more stressed about this test result than i have been for any of my other hcv tests. guess because now i know what all the consequences are if i'm not. hopefully i'll get my results quickly - my lovely hepnurse said she'd call me next week when back from vacation...

*pray*

really really should go to the gym tonight.
need to try out my new purple nike zooms!
but the weather is poo, and i'm still feeling weak from last week/end so instead will probably stay home, keep warm, and do some yoga.

*namaste*

and another post tonight...

just finished doing a bit of yoga...
am trying to do it twice a day at home along with my nintendo DS yoga game/programme and am loving it...reckon this will help me get back to the flexibility and stamina that i had before tx.
because i seem to have lost ALOT of range of movement while i was on treatment.
ugh.

yoga poses that used t o be my favourite and easiest are now very difficult.

and since starting doing it so often i'm getting pains in my liver.
i'm hoping/reckoning that the pain is more gunk detoxing.

fingers crossed!

three feet lower than a cunt

so busy busy and tired tired but have notice i'm getting stronger!
at the gym on sunday i managed to do 3 sets of weights that i would have struggled to do 1 set of when i was tx'd...i'm sore today but again it's a good sore. and whatever i can do to tighten my body up before heading off to ibixa will help. luckily there is a gym at one of my hotels so i'll be having a post siesta training session as much as possible...being out there 8 days will hopefully give me a chance to get back in the swing of it.

and more on my ankle.
went to a 'do' tonight and sharleen spiteri was performing.
she used to kickbox with the same crew as me - i sooo wanted to tell her about my amaxing ankle story - but alas no luck. probably for the best lol, she might have thought i was some extra weirdo stalker after all these years!

anyway.
it feels like there is a warm breeze blowing on my ankle.
to the point i still keep thinkin that my desk neighbour at work has the heater on.
but no - its more like a psychic healing sort of warmth.
who the hell is sending vibes to my ankle though?

hello - it is the liver that needs the help!!!

23

its one of those numbers isn't it? lucky like number 7 and/or strange like number 13...one of those numbers that people have something about. but not like my 5 tattoo or 666.

so shot 23 kicked my butt last night. its 5pm and i'm still in bed. the fluey aches started earlier than normal but my own fault for overdoing it last week (again). actually went to a big industry party for moo and was out later than i have been for the last treatment 6 months...i did fall asleep in the indian restaraunt after the party but it was worth it for the yummy auberginey dish i had!

it was also just nice to see all my haddock friends. they have been amazing in their support during my treatment and it was nice to sit around and talk and hug. see, haddock is a little private mailing list i've been on since 1995 - full of other people who have worked or do work or somehow are connected to the digital industry. so i've been talking to these people all day everyday online for over a decade and they have become my best friends. was sooo good to see them.

anyway, laptop battery dying so better go.

east angular...

i did it.

chopped my hair...and even shorter than planned!

its dark dark deep deep chocolate brown again and very very manga...

i just cant wait to get off treatment and put some really extremely long hair extensions in the front so it's even more extremely angled.

funny thing is that it now feels even heavier than before - reckon its because what is left is sooo healthy compared to the brittle dry mess i was carrying around.

now i just need some new sunglasses.

hmmm...

and a nap.

the end is nigh....

yesterday hospital was good and picked up my last pack of stuff to get me through the end of treatment...but just the getting there, waiting, and getting home meant that i was way too wiped out to really enjoy seeing the fiance...which sucked as i had sooo been looking forward to it - this is the first time i've just been too damn tired!

stil really wiped out today and feeling weird - scared i picked up extra germs yesterday, but powered through the day anyway and went for a lovely thai dinner tonight. now on the sofa eating dark chocolate with ginger...

yummy yummy

i still don't like mondays

still not over last week's crash yet...woke up again burning with fever and chills and aching evrywhere - even my breasts, and i know i've not done anything to warrant that as just been too. damn. ill. this treatment weekend. emotionally i'm still completely wiped, really ca't face work tomoro and am being a bitch to the fiance. o dear. i can't wait til this treatment no longer controls my life...

...especially today while i'm home ill and wiped out and there are free tickets to the metal hammer awards and boat party sitting on the living room table. i want to cry. so many of my homeboys like slayer and incubus are in town and there is no way that i'm up for socialisin' today. ugh! and as my daughter just said - no teetotalers allowed on this cruise - double ugh!

i want my life back.

more girlie stuff...and bits of blood

so i didn't want to spend any money on new clothes while going through tx...so splashed out on the bright orange chloe bag at the sale. but my size and shape has become sooo elastic and as i've not bought a new bra in absolute ages (most of mine are hand me downs from my irish friend luckygirl) i've had to order one...and i love it!

it's a bright red sienna lacy and satiny 32-J with matching knickers!
funny thing is - i'm losing weight on treatment. i'm not getting much smaller as i'm sooo bloated. and my tits are getting huger and huger - altho luckily going down a bit...
but J-cup!

i can't get any bigger or there won't be anything out ther to fit me.

o and i'm fuckin' bleeding again.

friday updates

crochet update:
1 blind octopus delivered to work friend
1 purple octopus with eyes given to daughter isis
2 more and a squid taking over our cacti...will take some photos soon!
and i made 2 more octopussies last night, am going to get started on some jellyfish soon too.

work update:
office closed for move so doing it from bed today so far, which is lovely as i probably only slept a couple hours last night after fucking for ages i still woke up at 3am wide awake and not able to get back to sleep til probably 6am for the fiance's alarm to go at 7am...but that meant more cuddles so i'm not complaining.

tx update:
tummy not as bad but still not great. keeping things down...a bit.
shot 15 tonight. the fiance's bro and dad are in town tomoro so hope i can soldier through.
will be nice to see them but they must be wondering why i'm always so exhausted - well, besides work...but both being chefs should know what it is like!

oki i should actually do work.
o and download some more learnitalianpod casts to listen to if i do make it the gym today!

viral culture...

shot 14 done and dusted...
a bit later than usual these days but was out for a bite to eat with my lovely clients to celebrate our site going live. they new i was sick and going through a chemo-y type treatment but i finally came out and told them about my hepC. they really cant believe how i'm holding down the hours that i do do with the meds that i'm on as everyone else on the project is exhausted and in good health!

think its because my work grew out of something i would be doing anyway - and no, not crochet! that was in another life, lol...

but i have been so surprise and amaxed at who has/hasn't been supportive. clients and production companies that know are sooo there for me when i need and understanding when i'm wiped out. but close friends that i thought would help me out are no where to be seen for the last few months. fuck them. i know people are busy but some of them have been in hospital and i've dragged my own sick ass halfway across town to see them/take their kids...

also, another friend that hasnt' been around or even called since week 6 is someone my life has revolved around for years as her daughter had chronic fatigue - to the point that all holidays, etc for the last 5 years have been at their house ---- but i don't even warrant a fucking stop by cup of tea.

whatever.

sorry to rant - but realising how lovely the business/industry client production company colleague type people have been as opposed to those i have supported for years really makes me realise how much my life is going to move on and change when treatment is over. i'm already planning a big party to say thank you to all these people...

and then my wedding too!

yikes.