do the twist...

still thinking so much about change...
2 years ago i was soooo happy - had a lovely job and with the best person i'd met in my life.
then i got sick and was so upset.

now i'm clear
and my job is mad, andthe fiance is gone, how ironic.

but the BIG twist is yesterday i had to go to the breast clinic.
the mastitis i had in june is gone but my right breast is still lumpy so went to have it checked.
big twist is though that the person i wanted there with me was my scandotoy, not the ex fiance.

not sure if i'm moving on because this was my rebound - so t'is all wrapped up together really.

so it looks like i probably need surgery.
the scandotoy is coming from oslo to make sure i'm okay.

not sure i am...

ugh!
the only time i've been in hospital or sick in my life before hepc was when i had me c-section.
now seems i dont' go a month without something happening!

her time now

this week has been a really really hard week and i'm feeling more and more lonely than ever,
got home from the hospital on wednesday to find my daughter here, very upset and it's not got any better. i'm afraid she is going through some sort of breakdown and i really have no idea how to deal with it and please if anyone out there has any advice send me a comment. basically she is low. it seems like depression as she is sleeping all the time...i just wish i was in a stronger place to be of more help to her.

amaxingly the x-fiance has been lovely altho i don't want to hear what he has to say. he thinks she might need residential care and i refuse to do it as they are horrid places. still, besides my new flatmate who is my old friend from dublin and my daughter's friend's family, i feel i really have no one. i've txted my family to ask for them to at least get in touch with her so she feels she has support, but nothing. i miss church. this is when i really need the support of others and there is nothing here in london for me.

i've thought about flying us both back home just so we aren't so alone, but not sure that is the answer either...it's just so hard. whenever i'm in a different room to her i just break down into tears myself. i want my engagement back, i want to be settled down, i don't want to be alone.

gay paree...i wish!

back from paris...and missing it already.
had a great time with my daughter over there and could really live there.
i'd have to get my french back and a job, but damn it's so much nicer than london - something for me to think about next time my daughter goes wandering off again, because really that is the only reason i have to be in london right now...

...because i'm really fucking up at work thanks to the fiance thing.
yea i know tx hasn't helped - but i should be celebrating and supporting all those that supported me while i was sick - instead i'm horrid at work and i can't think and they are tired of it. damn. i am tired of it - but other than double my prozac or top myself i really don't see a way out of this depression.

i hate being alone and even more so now i'm not brain dead from interferon.
can just see the rest of my life ahead of me with no one and it makes me nausesous.
nothing to do with the vodka bruch - course not.

poids!

so i went to relationship therapy alone tonight.
the fiance didn't come - not sure if it's his newly broken leg or work or what, but i'm such a mess i can't even really think about it right now - i need sleep.

anyway - the therapist was quite interested in my massive weight gain - its very noticeable. she says that now i know i have svr that instead of using alcohol to punish myself i have started using food as my threat of diabetes is so great that this is now an easier way of topping myself than drinking...interesting.

think i'll be safe the next few days though as paris so is not vegan!

stop...in the name of love

this has to stop.
i'm eating myself to death...ugh!
because of the art project i weighed myself and am 87.1 kilos!
which means i've gained ALOT since all this has started going on with the fiance.
i was down to 80 kilos on tx.

so today's menu is coffee with soya milk, and tofu and salad for lunch and dinner...well fingers crossed as am meeting up with my friend for lunch as she's over here visiting from dublin.

still not talked to the fiance since saturday night when i asked him to leave because he was being antagonistic. don't know if this is finally it or not.

it's strange to think that it's only been a couple weeks since i got the all clear SVR - seems like it was ages ago. i should be feeling great and light and celebrating - but he's taken that away from me and instead i'm stressed and anxious with no idea where i stand any longer.

missing

missing work again today...
my stomach cramps are still here and i'm still not holding food in very well.
which probably means that no prozac has been absorbed for days either...

i'm also missing the funeral. i regretted it as soon as i knew i wasn't going to make it.
i am actually amazed at how emotional i am about it, how much it has dragged up...we broke up properly back in 1995, back when it seemed that i could change my situation without downtime - its all catching up with me now though. so glad i've got a relate session booked for myself tomoro night as i really really don't want this to impact on the current situation with the fiance.

hoping i feel well enough to drag myself to the sauna today and sweat it all out and have a good cry.

blowing raspberries

drinking a lovely vegan raspberry cider and not having to feel guilty.

altho the way things are with me and the fiance right now sometimes i wish i was still sick and dying via liver explosion. ugh.

i really hate that i should be happy and celebrating but instead just worse depressed and anxious as when i was on tx...

i did it...

SVR


really feel like i should be celebrating but things still aren't that great with the fiance so all i'm feeling really is relief.

now off to the gym.

ugh.

this drinking myself to death thing seems to be working...my liver actually hurts!

hopefully my suicide by liver explosion will be cancelled as things might be getting better with the fiance...at least we saw each other a cuddled, but evidently still need to talk, ugh - i hate talking. talking never seems to work out for me.

FUCK my liver!

i've just washed down a double dose of prozac with a bottle of pink wine to try and calm myself down. that was after downing a pint of budvar to try and keep myself from breaking down at my favourite stitch and bitch...i'm finally crying.

things have not got any better with the fiance and i still haven't been able to talk to anyone about it. i'm just barely hanging on til i can get to my sista fishie on friday. until then i have to hold it together during working hours...at least.

easy like sunday evening...

no idea what it's doing to my liver but i had to do some vicodin this evening = it was the only thing i had in my house that would chill me out enough to go meet the lovely fiance. i'm not sure what is going to happen but he wants space while he looks for a new job...that could be days or weeks or ? in this recession. ugh. all i can do is keep getting on with my life and crochet and daughter and friends and be here for him when he gets his head round everything that is going on...

as cold as ice...

seems that i may not have come out of tx with my relationship unscathed...
the lovely fiance's redundancy has put so much strain on him that i dont know what to do to pull him out...and then something happened last night at home which just wasn't right. i went cold and i don't know how to deal with it all. i have absolutely no one to talk to about it and i realise that without him i am totally alone here in this country - but even if i moved back home to my family i would still be alone...i've just been gone too long.

he wont' speak to me and i just feel nothing.
i've txt'd him that i'll wait as i love him no matter what happens...

i've not felt this bad since the last half of tx.
luckily i'm still on the anti-d's.

want to get away next weekend but also want to make my hair red now it's growing back.

heppers do soho!

was soooo lovly to have my hepsisters around for the halloween weekend festivities...

but damn if it doesn't show how i'm really not ready or up for the 24/7 lifestylee yet/again!

i'm lucky that i don't have to go see my family in california until xmas so by then hopefully i'll have more strength to just go go go - and also i wont be working fulltime while there so i'll have time to rest when i can.

not that i'm still much of a sleeper!
fishie and i stayed out late on thursday night after the vodka party as we had to pass by the crobar as well on the way back, then came home and talked most of the night away...so i figured i'd go into work around 11 to make up for it, but come 7am BAM wide awake. so i got myself dressed and went...

...but meant i was dragging by the time i saw her and foodlebug friday night.
still it was fun to get dressed up like pirates and wander around soho with the lovely fiance.
altho he's lucky he didn't get punched as he kept forcing people to kiss his blow up parrot!
(that sounds alot dirtier than it actually is, lol)

so yarn shopping was cancelled for us crafty vixens this morning and we spent it on the sofa sipping soya coffees and crocheting. it was like an old friend i'd not seen for a month had stopped by, not someone i really don't remember from my past. i already miss my fishie deeply, but know i'll see her again soon.

i have to as she left a bag of clothes and boots behind!

the fever fog...

my brain fog and clumsiness today know no bounds...

oki, so not quite as bad as wearing two different coloured shoes of different styles and heel heights without noticing (you know who you are, lol) but still my day went like this -

could not get my ass out of bed no matter what i did this morn but i HAD to have a bath after wallowing feverishly all night and also after having home made curry for dinner with my lovely white trash dessert of leftover rice with vegan fake butter and sprinkled with sugar, yum.

anyway, got up this morning and could not find my warm cuddly black sweater with the sweetheart neckline anywhere. but i knew i'd washed all the clothes over the weekend because that was all i accomplished besided making lots of appointments for myself.

so i rifle through every drawer, and decide to wear something else...
but this is bugging me! so i'm still looking looking looking and making myself later and later (okay only 5 mins, but still i hate being late)

then it dawns on me that its probably still in the dryer. taaa daaah!

so i change clothes again and make sure i have everything and go to work.
then i realise that the liberty gift coins that the lovely fiance gave me are still on my bedside cabinet and this is my reason for going to liberty's sale is to use them. ugh!

then at lunch i reckon i'll kill 2 birds/1 stone and pop out to get eyebrows and everything done and swing by the house. eyes done, go to pay and i know the price, but couldn't figure out why it was more...duh...its because i'd got a grapefruit juice from their bar!
yes, even non-drinking i still like to go places with bars, lol.

so i'd wasted too much time to drop by the house and pick up my liberty coinage so had to come alllll the waaaayyyy back home after work to get, then go allll the waaaayyyy back to liberty. okay, so its only 1 tube stop, but i was walking, and i never leave the bloho (bloomsbury/soho) area and i managed to cover it about 6 times today!

sorted.
back to liberty.
can not de cide on an y per fume (this is my brain talking to me like. this.)
so go buy some cashmere yarn to finish the lovely fiance's skull and crossbone scarf.
look at the price - go to the till and think i've got an amazing bargain or they made a mistake so i question it - but no i'd been looking at wrong signs...ugh...still 15% off is not bad!

so fi nal ly de cide on some per fume (my brain again)
yes yummy scrummy rose le labo
okay, its for men, but i cannot stomach my usual vanillas right now.
so i get it made up, and go to the till and it is pretty expensive, but it doesn't matter as i got my lovely fiance present of liberty coins...but guess what?

i forgot to use them.

ugh. then i came home and put all my shopping on the coffee table and i way dying for a nice cold cobra 0% beer. i'm sooo tired by this point. i then worry that i might get beer on the shopping so go to move it and spill the whole bottle everywhere!!!!

so i have just finished mopping.
am stranded in my bedroom carpeted oasis while all the floors dry.
(because you can't just do one little area can you pixie???)

and i'm hoping that it dries before lovely fiance comes home freshly tattooed needing food!

monday back in bed again

monday back in bed...
but kinda unavoidable really as i've been going all out since ibiza.
work has been manic and culminated last week with a 14 hour shoot on friday where i just mucked in and became the calligrapher, art department, wardrobe, model, brand and CSAA nazi. so no wonder i slept all night when i finally got home at 1am after getting up for my taxi at 6!

but even though i woke up at 7am i was straight back to bed and didn't get out til 7pm
and that was only for a yummy take away from wagamama

then spent the day in bed yesterday crocheting a lovely skull and crossbones scarf for the fiance - made of yarn that his grandmother gave me when i was in naples last month, its so cozy i cant wait to finish it and start on one for myself - but i also need to finish the skeleton bride/groom that i'm making for my friends cory/alice for their wedding party this month.

but all weekend i kept getting achier and achier and painkillers and stretching were not helping, woke up with chills and sore throat this morning so gave in and called in sick - only my 3rd unplanned sick day since i started treatment last feb, not bad if i do say so myself!

and as my fever has escalated at least my rash has gone down.
so much so that i have booked myself in for some botox on wednesday night!
wohooo!!!

last shot done

sick sick sick...this morning has been spent in a full body cramp.
am sooo glad i only had to do 24 weeks - i really admire people who do a full 72...and sometimes they have to do it twice. yikes! fingers crossed this has worked for me!

and naples is booked.
we fly to rome at the crack of dawn on thursday morning
i'm really looking forward to seeing the fiance's big big extended family - especially the kids!
...and some nice sunny weather. london is currently dreary greay and rainy. ugh.

more past coming back to haunt me?

been thinking alot about my past being a hairdresser and other stuff these days...

as you all know, on saturday i went with the fiance to get his nipples pierced.

it's a studio i have known for decades and trust. and i was very impressed by own of their health and safety instructionals on the wall. it was regarding needlesticks and how to deal with them.

made me start thinking about my training as a cosmetologist back home in so cal in 1984.

of course we were taught how to keep everything clean clean super clean and sterilised, etc...but we never even talked about cross contamination regarding blood. now i know things are different and friends who are studying now even wear gloves for waxing.

just makes me think. that is all.

the end is nigh....

yesterday hospital was good and picked up my last pack of stuff to get me through the end of treatment...but just the getting there, waiting, and getting home meant that i was way too wiped out to really enjoy seeing the fiance...which sucked as i had sooo been looking forward to it - this is the first time i've just been too damn tired!

stil really wiped out today and feeling weird - scared i picked up extra germs yesterday, but powered through the day anyway and went for a lovely thai dinner tonight. now on the sofa eating dark chocolate with ginger...

yummy yummy

off to hspital...

think i'm picking up my last pack of shots...
altho i'd be sure if i hadn't given up keeping track.

am so tired and look poo and am bloaty.
but get to finally see the fiance tonight as he's over his throat infection and fever!!!!

*big wink*

champagne payday ...i sooo wish!

ugh. fiance not feeling well so stayed at his own house last night.
so i thought i'd surprise him this evening and go round and take care of him.
packed some stuff and remembered to take my keys.

then i remembered.

i can't be around sickos right now as i have no immunity at all.
ugh. i just wanted to cry!
i can't wait til i have my life back...

so to make myself feel better i forced myself to eat thai green curry for lunch.
yum. full belly. boo. uncomfortable.

and my tits still hurt!