trying.

so i've been trying to do this new 'routine' for eating/health and failing miserabley!

the only thing i'm managing to keep up with is the juice potion every morning, but trying to eat three meals a day, at the same time everyday, just is not happening at all. i get up too late and not hungry at all so breakfast around eight doesn't work, lunch i can do, but dinner before seven no way as i'm barely leaving work then!

ugh...and still not managing sleep at all.

i'm trying, but this 'routine' is trying as well.

i think it must be great if you are some buddhist giving bum washes for a living but am a bellydancing punker that works in digital advertising!

better

feeling better - first day that i've even felt like reading or eating...

stop...in the name of love

this has to stop.
i'm eating myself to death...ugh!
because of the art project i weighed myself and am 87.1 kilos!
which means i've gained ALOT since all this has started going on with the fiance.
i was down to 80 kilos on tx.

so today's menu is coffee with soya milk, and tofu and salad for lunch and dinner...well fingers crossed as am meeting up with my friend for lunch as she's over here visiting from dublin.

still not talked to the fiance since saturday night when i asked him to leave because he was being antagonistic. don't know if this is finally it or not.

it's strange to think that it's only been a couple weeks since i got the all clear SVR - seems like it was ages ago. i should be feeling great and light and celebrating - but he's taken that away from me and instead i'm stressed and anxious with no idea where i stand any longer.

food glorious food

i've gone from hardly eating anything at - first from tx, then stress then from tummy fluey something, but now i'm feeling the urge to stress eat from depression and anxiety and fear...so i've tried to figure out my 'safe' food - something that i've worked on previously with hypnosos - only then i still at fish all the time so it was a fishy safe food, and now with the yucky belly i've not been very adventurous - and chosen rice. yup, rice. rice made with vegan broth so at least it has a bit of taste...

made some last night and plan to keep some always on the hob so if i feel like binging at least it'll be there...altho this may all be quite moot as i'm going to be taking part in an art project by charting my weight for 13 days onto a music scale and then having it played by an orchestra and turned into a cellphone ringtone!

so last big meal tonight - as tis english mothers day and my daughter is coming over to make me a big thai dinner when she is finished filming today...