poids!

so i went to relationship therapy alone tonight.
the fiance didn't come - not sure if it's his newly broken leg or work or what, but i'm such a mess i can't even really think about it right now - i need sleep.

anyway - the therapist was quite interested in my massive weight gain - its very noticeable. she says that now i know i have svr that instead of using alcohol to punish myself i have started using food as my threat of diabetes is so great that this is now an easier way of topping myself than drinking...interesting.

think i'll be safe the next few days though as paris so is not vegan!

missing

missing work again today...
my stomach cramps are still here and i'm still not holding food in very well.
which probably means that no prozac has been absorbed for days either...

i'm also missing the funeral. i regretted it as soon as i knew i wasn't going to make it.
i am actually amazed at how emotional i am about it, how much it has dragged up...we broke up properly back in 1995, back when it seemed that i could change my situation without downtime - its all catching up with me now though. so glad i've got a relate session booked for myself tomoro night as i really really don't want this to impact on the current situation with the fiance.

hoping i feel well enough to drag myself to the sauna today and sweat it all out and have a good cry.

crashing bad. feelin' low.

i really really really don't know what hit me...but the weepy depression was in full force this morning. i've now had only my second really good cry since my diagnosis. and this happened a couple weeks into detox. i wonder if it's normal to have this breakdown at this time> because i was actually so bad that i almost didn't go into work again today and seriously thought that i should up the anti-d's again.

and this is while the hospital is telling me if i feel better i should cut them down.
ugh...not right now thank you!

the lovely fiance thinks i need to find someone to talk to because besides blogging and him there really isn't any other way for me to share. i'm not good at it. at all. i tried the therapy thing for awhile - booked myself in and it was spread out over awhile and i truly felt that the last session hadnt moved on at all from the first - and they were years apart!

i did take one thing out of a session though, i had always thought i was weak but the therapist talked to me about how strong i was...that is something i do bring to mind when struggling - o maybe all the time therapying wasn't wasted> hum.

and as well as the anti-d dilemma- the other big news is that i've had to buy an eyelash curler!
freakishie long lashes does seem to really be a side effect of this tx.
one i wouldn't mind keeping...
but instead i guess i should be buying stock in lancome soon, lol

physically i still have a cough and bad fever
but feeling progressively lighter - and my feet and fingers don't feel as tight and stiff.
hair though is still falling out and when i washed it this morning it was worse than ever.

great. bald and fuking depressed!

roll on bank holiday weekend spent with some suicidegirls...

girlie stuff that actually isn't about BLOOD

more mini ranting on the way...

well kinda.

or maybe it's just guilt?

i went to the invitation-only chloe sale down by south molton street in mayfair this last week and scored myself THE bag of last season...that is soooo me! yes.
THE bright orange heloise bag!
how good will that look with a pair of pink knickers???

love it but also feel so bad about it. i know i work hard and really deserve it as spending nothing on anything else but nice aveda shampoos for my horridbly thinning hair (i pulled it backin a ponytail at the gym and you can see my scalp on the sides! i wanted to cry!) and not even touched my huge xmas bonus or the even bigger yearly salary increase i received way back in feb...

how amazed i still am that my company made such a commitment to me at the same time that i was starting treatment. gotta love them!

anyway - i really want a girlie gossip about my handbag and shopping as therapy for fucking hepC chemo like disgusting treatment...but when i went on the boards last night everyone was discussing how broke they were and i felt so bad. i'd love to help everyone out, but it's not really my place...or is it?

anway. i'm going to go ahead and have my girlie gossip here...i paid 200 hundred something for a bag that retailed for over a grand and is on ebay right now for double that!!!! whohooo...now only wish i'd bought the charcoal greay one as well!

and next week...the valentino sale.

o shit there is a myla online sale today i better go clickety click as they are one of the few manufacturers of bras big enough for my titties!!!