i'm so tired.

yea i know i stayed up late last night watchn' that film antichrist - wierd! and i've been up for awhile this morning.

but i'm tired.
tired of the last week of the month having no money at all no matter how well i budget.

tired of health things no matter how much i do try.
i'm supposed to be starting a new regime today - something suggested by my colonic therapist yesterday, but not even got enough money to go buy some apple juice and fresh fruit and sheeps yoghurt.

the apple juice is to be mixed with the greens powder that i spunked my last bit of dinero on.
fresh fruit because i need more roughage to cleanse my system. the sheeps yogurt because after breaking vegan for my health, she reckons that cow's milk - even organic - is not goin to settle in my body...

...unless it was fresh and unpasteurised.
n i know where to get that (the market by my fucking x)
but again no money to buy it.

the other part of my new regime tho that the CT. wants me to is write my feelings about my body and observations down every morning - of course she is old school (even though quite young and 'hip' well young as in 38) so she wanted me to have a lil notebook - but why start another little notebook when i've got a perfectly good blog just sitting here waiting for words to be thrown into it?

so i'm here on a sunday morning.

and just noticed that the wildflowers i re-potted in a lovely new matte black pail are thriving this morning. which made me smile inside and be hopeful. now if only someone would re-pot me!

gay paree...i wish!

back from paris...and missing it already.
had a great time with my daughter over there and could really live there.
i'd have to get my french back and a job, but damn it's so much nicer than london - something for me to think about next time my daughter goes wandering off again, because really that is the only reason i have to be in london right now...

...because i'm really fucking up at work thanks to the fiance thing.
yea i know tx hasn't helped - but i should be celebrating and supporting all those that supported me while i was sick - instead i'm horrid at work and i can't think and they are tired of it. damn. i am tired of it - but other than double my prozac or top myself i really don't see a way out of this depression.

i hate being alone and even more so now i'm not brain dead from interferon.
can just see the rest of my life ahead of me with no one and it makes me nausesous.
nothing to do with the vodka bruch - course not.

easy like sunday mourning...

i am so wiped out today, but it was so worth it!
sitting here post-romp having vegan chocolate booja booja froxen stuff for breakfast with my 3rd big mug of earl grey washing down the heavy painkillers...which aren't making a dent in the migraine that is travelling down my back.
still. the fucking may have worn me out but soooo nice.
i LOVE my fiance SO much.

and yesterday spent the day with his family so that is why i'm more under the weather than usual for a treatment sunday...started out at the very very american psycho designery restaraunt down on regents street, then hopped in a cab to sit outside cafe kick on exmouth market while the boys played baby foot. it was a lovely chilled relaxed eurotrash day surrounded by family and old friends drinking fresh squeezed orange juice in what little sun there was.

paying the price today though.
n way was i going to get my ass up to camden for sunday lunch.
anyway, my option rocks!

friday updates

crochet update:
1 blind octopus delivered to work friend
1 purple octopus with eyes given to daughter isis
2 more and a squid taking over our cacti...will take some photos soon!
and i made 2 more octopussies last night, am going to get started on some jellyfish soon too.

work update:
office closed for move so doing it from bed today so far, which is lovely as i probably only slept a couple hours last night after fucking for ages i still woke up at 3am wide awake and not able to get back to sleep til probably 6am for the fiance's alarm to go at 7am...but that meant more cuddles so i'm not complaining.

tx update:
tummy not as bad but still not great. keeping things down...a bit.
shot 15 tonight. the fiance's bro and dad are in town tomoro so hope i can soldier through.
will be nice to see them but they must be wondering why i'm always so exhausted - well, besides work...but both being chefs should know what it is like!

oki i should actually do work.
o and download some more learnitalianpod casts to listen to if i do make it the gym today!

girlie stuff that actually isn't about BLOOD

more mini ranting on the way...

well kinda.

or maybe it's just guilt?

i went to the invitation-only chloe sale down by south molton street in mayfair this last week and scored myself THE bag of last season...that is soooo me! yes.
THE bright orange heloise bag!
how good will that look with a pair of pink knickers???

love it but also feel so bad about it. i know i work hard and really deserve it as spending nothing on anything else but nice aveda shampoos for my horridbly thinning hair (i pulled it backin a ponytail at the gym and you can see my scalp on the sides! i wanted to cry!) and not even touched my huge xmas bonus or the even bigger yearly salary increase i received way back in feb...

how amazed i still am that my company made such a commitment to me at the same time that i was starting treatment. gotta love them!

anyway - i really want a girlie gossip about my handbag and shopping as therapy for fucking hepC chemo like disgusting treatment...but when i went on the boards last night everyone was discussing how broke they were and i felt so bad. i'd love to help everyone out, but it's not really my place...or is it?

anway. i'm going to go ahead and have my girlie gossip here...i paid 200 hundred something for a bag that retailed for over a grand and is on ebay right now for double that!!!! whohooo...now only wish i'd bought the charcoal greay one as well!

and next week...the valentino sale.

o shit there is a myla online sale today i better go clickety click as they are one of the few manufacturers of bras big enough for my titties!!!

monday not a funday

ugh...still in bed and fighting to stay awake.
the only thing that woke me up was a couple work calls from ppl that are out of the office so forgot monday is my sick day. no biggie...but now i'm up i know if i sleep all day i'll never sleep tonight and be dead dead dead on my feet/ass tomoro - which i really dont need.

am so busy, working on great projects, but still all i seem to do is work/sleep.

oki oki i fuck and crochet too!

have added the link to the octopussy pattern to my sidebar for anyone that wants it.
you'll notice i changed mine a little bit (and they still don't have eyes)

xxx

my life is so not sexy anymore...

managed the usual sunday morning fuck but its not the same when the tx side effects are so bad that the bed is spinning even when i'm holding on to the headboard.

and on top of that i'm still bleeding with the heaviest period ever.
my bed looked like surgery had happened in it!

still, at least i'm not too sick to play.

or crochet!

here's a photo of my little octopussies i've been making...
(see sidebar)

note to self number 1

not the same weekend...

i'm not feeling as bad as i usually do.

but it is kinda my fault, ugh!

i misfired my injection last night somehow.
not sure how it happened and will all my tattoo/piercing/sewing experience how could i fuck this up? double ugh!

anyway, was really struggling to get all the air bubbles out of the syringe
finally did it without losing too much of the serum inside
then as i was injecting i realised my stomach was REALLY bleeding like everywhere and bright orange again

all i could think of was something about mary!
WE GOTTA BLEEDER
(then i watched the vampire episode of csi...but that's a whole nother thread)

then realised that somehow the serum was leaking from the join between the needle and the syringe...so tried to push it in, finished my shot, then when i released the damn needle stayed in my stomach and the syringe came away in my hand.

so i reckon i only got part of my dose.

have txt'd the hep nurse to ask if i should re-dose
i feel bad getting in touch with her at the weekend but i don't know who else to ask...
even if she waits to monday to get back in touch at least i've had something!

...so even though last night was lovely it was also a disaster.

finally met up with other heppers!
but i was soo late as got stuck at work til like 20:00
and i'm supposed to be reducing my hours...ugh.
but i made it.

by the time i got home tho i was almost passing out from exhaustion

note to self:
probably not the best idea to have a silly fuck fest on a friday morning when already tired from a week of working...but still - so hard to resist!

did mean i already started the day wiped tho.

anyway.
it was lovely to makie face to face contact with others.
even tho i know ppl who have had it like my x punkerboy and another mom at the school, its lovely spending time in a group. and i learned that i'm not the only one that gets the bloat from the meds.

i'm sure i was promised this as a weight loss regime!