exhausted

this last week has been pretty bad for me, not so much diet-wise as overall everything-wise...as of sunday i had worked straight through every day since the easter bank holiday and the days were sometimes as late as midnight, but sunday woke up with the worst jabbing pain ever in my lower left back - probably from sitting on my ass in a work chair 24 fucking 7...especially as with my bad bursitis i can't sit completely straight and flat for more than a couple hours at a time.

so i went and found myself a nice chinese massage on the way to work so i could actually sit in a chair, and could hardly move at bellydance...then got home and could feel one of those spangly migraines coming on so did all the right things - had a pint of water, some green tea, and some broth. or at least i tried to make some broth, but as i was filling the kettle, my middle finger went wierd and numb then my whole right hand - and it was cold to the touch.

scary.

then it passed.

but went straight to my face then my mouth then my tongue = which was even scarier. then that passed too...then the cycle started all over again about half an hour later. and this went on and on for about five hours. til i finally passed out exhausted. went to the doctor the next morning and she reckoned it is from the severity of the migraine.

or it coulda been from my back pain being a pinched nerve.

i've not been online much since it happened as looking at my netbook screen seems to set off a headache. so just sleeping alot which means i've been having a bit of a hard time actually managing to eat all 4 of my foodpacks each day...although tonight it's more just the thought of actually eating again makes me want to hurl. next week i need to make sure i've bough half shakes - they are better for the hot weather as well as at night.

25lbs down!

good vibrations!

yes my wrist is finally getting sore from all the crochet, lol!
which probably stops me being online so much - but i'll have a lovely warm blanket to show for it, so please excuse me for blogging less for a few months while i make something snuggly for winter! i'm quite excited as it is made of different coloured blocks, each with a skull design on it. soo sweet...and warm.

warmth is important.

especially as every night around 10pm i seem to get the worst bone chill ever. i'm still feverish - but finally felt good enough for gym again tonight after a month off.

it was a nice gently cardio and powerplate workout - so let's hope it works to lift my mood because i really can't fathom upping the anti-d's . it makes it tooo hard to cum! and with such a lovely fiance around i NEED to sparkle!!!

altho i do have to admit that now i understand all the advice i had from others that are on tx and anti-d's to get friendly with my vibrator...i'd never had one before but yes, now couldn't live without one.

there must be some correlation between the number of anti-d prescriptions written and the number of vibrators sold, lol!!!

lucky i just got a special discount card for harmony!
but for some reason they think i work at spearmint rhino.

actually - i must finally be starting to detox as i've noticed i'm being chattedup alot more again.

end of the month...end of treatment.

i do my last shot tomoro night.

have still got most of next week booked off work to celebrate and the latest plan is still to spend from wednesday night (when i start to feel better and after my hospital appointment) in naples! am really looking forward to seeing the fiance's family - especially the kids! but being on this damn hepC treatment has meant that my brain is mush and i've not managed to learn any italian at all...so my plan is to get some baby/kids books and have the kids teach me.

hope it works!

so anyway, tonight i celebrated my last night of treatment with the girls from work.

we went to ping pong on eastcastle street and i ordered my favourite cucumber/apple juice drink...it was a long long meal and i started to fall asleep (as usual) then the bill came and my friend/boss realised that they'd charged us for gin and cucumber! i'm not supposed to drink! i don't think they spiked me because gin is such a strong flavour i'd notice it and so would the girls as they all tried it.

but as exhausted as i am, on heavy codeine, and anti-d's how would i even notice if i was drunk?


...and if i'd planned to drink it would have been bourbon!!!!

the restaraunt were shitting themselves about possibly spiking me and were lovely and really cared...but then again they probably don't need me to sue. and still a bit scary for me after being so darn careful...altho also realised this week that all the vanilla syrups i've been pouring in my coffee are full of alocohol.

well. its too late now.

fingers fucking crossed!!!

and of course it was friday the 13th.

it's finally happened...i feel like just giving up again. this time it is work though.

really really really finding it hard to cope.

i know i the stuff we do is fucking amaxing, but it's hard hard work and long long hours, and even though it can be done on a laptop from bed, it's getting to me...and i've got my first complete bitch stupid ass of a client so i's not helpin' at all. i'm putting myself in her shoes and realise she's lame and came into the project late and doesn't know the full picture - but yelling at me everyday that the project is late is not getting it delivered.

we are not the red cross.

it is a fuking internet site.
with a 4 page press release so no one is going to bother anyway.
(we dont' do the PR...that's another agency)

i cried at my desk yesterday, i talked to the 2 directors that are really lovely (but hard work)
and i felt so bad. but they were lovely and told me they'd deal with it all and for me to get my ass out of the office and relax. but to me it kinda just felt like too little too late on all sides. i've been pushing myself while they have been pushing me and i just don't give a shit whether i keep my job or not anymore.

i'm always getting headhunted. even on treatment i could get another job if i wanted/needed to.
and the fiance has already said he'd support me...

but it's only 7 more weeks.

i want to hang in there.

but not if it upsets me.

i can't heal and keep this virus from relapsing if i'm stressed and exhausted 24/7.

knowing there are other jobs means i should just chill out.
but i hate letting people down.
especially myself.

and as i was a rage machine even on the 40mg of citalopram
i've cut it back down to 20mg hoping i can get my *sparkle* back...

fingers crossed!

lucky 13 - not

more and more i'm thinking that my daughter's idea is a good one...

she thinks that as i am spending at least 3-4 days a week lounging around the flat in my knickers, that i should set up some webcams and at least get paid for it - especially as my flatmate is a well known suicidegirl.

so this morn as i was wandering around the flat in my little black and white polka dot knickers with my nice black metal nipple rings and belly button jewelry - topless as usual - i started thinking yep, i should be getting paid!

so who wants a subscription, lol!

the fiance keeps sayin' how good i'm looking considering i'm 13 weeks into treatment.
i don't look good - i feel worse than i have since the beginning. i'm always exhausted and everything hurts...codeine is soooo my friend lately.

i can't wait til i can do more than work/sleep - missing my crochet projects!
...and i've got even more fishy ocean inspired patterns to be getting on with.

hope you are all having a good world hep awareness day.
unfortunately they weren't celebrating at aveda today - i forced myself out as i needed shampoo, but don't think i'm going to make it anywhere else.

tiger lilies

am so wiped out today but haven't done a thing since saturday.
have tried to sleep all day and just can't - just lie there bored but too exhausted to do anything.

we have tickets for a cabaret tonight and i have no idea how i'm going to get through it.
red. bull. that will be the only way!

i would normally really be looking forward to a punk night out but i'm just not up for it tonight.
can't let me daughter down though.

at least i won't be expected to go for a drink aftrerwards!

i soo don't like mondays...

so yesterday i also forgot to mention that i've changed my nipple rings...again...in hopes for more comfort. went down charing cross road to the chinese girls' shop and got black 1.6x16mm circular barbells - they look small on my huge nipples but don't show the migration as badly. they only take cash there so didnt get anything else - but really wanted a black belly ring and some new wooden spools for my ears too.

i'm still pretty wiped out today - so glad i've been able to be home sick rather than try to work through monday. have had a few phone calls from work, but nothing too stressful. spent awhile on the floor on my yoga mat stretching, which did NOTHIN T'ALL to relieve this migraine that has found its way down my back and shoulders.

not sure if back migraines exist - but that is what it feels like!

am finding my time at home quite lonely.
i thought that i would welcome it as my life is usually soooo buuuusy.
before tx i went into thinkin' i'd use the time to crochet, embroider, maybe make a quilt, sort out all the little niggly things in life that i never have time for - like sorting my fabric scraps, looking for a better home contents insurance deal, etc.

but no!
my tx days are getting worse, and the rest of the time i'm too exhausted.
i spend most of the time in bed with not enough brain power to even play animal crossing on my nintendo ds...but even though i'm sick its very lonely without the fiance here.
(how dare he go to work/laundrette/buy me presents, lol)

and now i've seen 2 mice.
so i really really really want a cat.
but my allergies mean its probably not the best time with my immune system sooo low - so i've spent the last half hour online looking at sphynx cats and trying to find a rescue kittie.

i want a hairless kittie to keep this hepkittie company!

easter weakened

so yesterday's good day was followed by a good night. too good.
i was sooo insomniac that i felt wide awake til almost 3am and woke up again around 4:30am...
ugh! luckily my nintendo ds was charged but playing animal crossing that late at night/early in the morning is a bit boring as everything is closed and everyone is asleep!
i then resorted to mahjong but after awhile it hurt my eyes
(i wasn't wering my sexy bedtime reading/gaming 40s style specs, lol)

then i had some practise playing backgammon.
i love the game but find it waaaay too easy as i grew up playing a version called acey deucey
my amaxingly tall louisiana born navy sailor grandfather taught me to play when i was very very very very young...probably about the same time that my louisiana grandma taught me to crochet (like before i can remember)

anyway - of course it means i'm worn out today
and i had more launches/deliveries at work today - this time a video ad campaign.
then came home and packed everything for my spa weekend away...i'm sooo tired i can hardly hold my arms to type! maybe it's time to resort to voice recognition?
(altho don't think the flatmate would appreciate it while she's watching that tibet show)

so i ended up packing what i thought was alot but it's my usual weekend amount i guess and it is 3 nights and i do need to be warm and comfy and entertained...which means lots sweaters and warm woolly tights and nintendo ds games and that stephen fry book (omg i haven't even started yet on here about how much i LOVE STEPHEN FRY)

(now the flatmate is watching sex change soldier on tv)

i'm tired. i'm exhausted. but it was worth it.
as well as all the comfort stuff i packed, there is also easter chocs, my long silkie nightie, and some other fun bits tucked in my bag...as well as my lovely 50s style 1 piece swimsuit with the pointy cups to wear in the rose infused sauna...yum! yum! yum!

i just hope i can last the whole 3 nights and don't have to come home early.





o i also bought a nice plastic toothbrush travel case to carry my shot in!

exhausted!

i'm not sure if its the drugs or the jetlag or a combination of both but the last couple days i've been exhausted! although i still managed to get up and out and to the gym yesterday evening...was goin' to go for a lightweight workout but in the end managed pretty much my usual routine - just not as heavy duty on the stepper as usual - but pushed everything else out fine...

...and not paying too dear for it today thank god.
actually think i'm feeling better for it!

well off out to try and get my nails done.

thanks so much to the couple of you that have left lovely comments so far x