Saturday, June 14, 2008

and of course it was friday the 13th.

it's finally happened...i feel like just giving up again. this time it is work though.

really really really finding it hard to cope.

i know i the stuff we do is fucking amaxing, but it's hard hard work and long long hours, and even though it can be done on a laptop from bed, it's getting to me...and i've got my first complete bitch stupid ass of a client so i's not helpin' at all. i'm putting myself in her shoes and realise she's lame and came into the project late and doesn't know the full picture - but yelling at me everyday that the project is late is not getting it delivered.

we are not the red cross.

it is a fuking internet site.
with a 4 page press release so no one is going to bother anyway.
(we dont' do the PR...that's another agency)

i cried at my desk yesterday, i talked to the 2 directors that are really lovely (but hard work)
and i felt so bad. but they were lovely and told me they'd deal with it all and for me to get my ass out of the office and relax. but to me it kinda just felt like too little too late on all sides. i've been pushing myself while they have been pushing me and i just don't give a shit whether i keep my job or not anymore.

i'm always getting headhunted. even on treatment i could get another job if i wanted/needed to.
and the fiance has already said he'd support me...

but it's only 7 more weeks.

i want to hang in there.

but not if it upsets me.

i can't heal and keep this virus from relapsing if i'm stressed and exhausted 24/7.

knowing there are other jobs means i should just chill out.
but i hate letting people down.
especially myself.

and as i was a rage machine even on the 40mg of citalopram
i've cut it back down to 20mg hoping i can get my *sparkle* back...

fingers crossed!

2 comments:

Fishwhiskers said...

Hey hun, chin up. Would they not let you take the last few weeks off? If they are so nice, they might consider it. Or you can do what you can do from home. Losing a job over the illness is a bitch, I know from experience, but on the other hand, what's more important: you or the job?? Look at me, I am going to start with absolutely nothing after tx, and I am actually looking forward to it :-) Maybe even I will get my 'sparkle' back LOL.

Hugs
Fishy xxx

hepkittie said...

aw ta sweetie, and yes i'll see how it goes this week. they are lovely but we are soooo busy i hate to make demands on everyone else, but i'm just not as strong as usual.

losing jobs is a bitch, but change is always good. i've always found that a good clean start is refreshing and there is so much i could do if i needed to/wanted to/had the opportunity...

hmmm...maybe i'll get a webcam and charge people to watch me find my sparkle! lol...

hugs back and hope you are feeling oki. kittie x