Wednesday, August 20, 2008

crashing bad. feelin' low.

i really really really don't know what hit me...but the weepy depression was in full force this morning. i've now had only my second really good cry since my diagnosis. and this happened a couple weeks into detox. i wonder if it's normal to have this breakdown at this time> because i was actually so bad that i almost didn't go into work again today and seriously thought that i should up the anti-d's again.

and this is while the hospital is telling me if i feel better i should cut them down.
ugh...not right now thank you!

the lovely fiance thinks i need to find someone to talk to because besides blogging and him there really isn't any other way for me to share. i'm not good at it. at all. i tried the therapy thing for awhile - booked myself in and it was spread out over awhile and i truly felt that the last session hadnt moved on at all from the first - and they were years apart!

i did take one thing out of a session though, i had always thought i was weak but the therapist talked to me about how strong i was...that is something i do bring to mind when struggling - o maybe all the time therapying wasn't wasted> hum.

and as well as the anti-d dilemma- the other big news is that i've had to buy an eyelash curler!
freakishie long lashes does seem to really be a side effect of this tx.
one i wouldn't mind keeping...
but instead i guess i should be buying stock in lancome soon, lol

physically i still have a cough and bad fever
but feeling progressively lighter - and my feet and fingers don't feel as tight and stiff.
hair though is still falling out and when i washed it this morning it was worse than ever.

great. bald and fuking depressed!

roll on bank holiday weekend spent with some suicidegirls...


ronnie said...

Bald and depressed, sorry I should'tlaugh but you summed up perfectly how I'm feeling.Not that it helps but it sounds like part of the detox process. I'm miserable too . You have inspired me to buy an eyelash curler! can't believe I didn't think of it before. I am a few weeks ahead of you and reading your blog I realise there is some improvementin my mood. We have just come through a battle zone of sorts. Hang in there sweetie It does get better,just a little slowly xxxxxxxx

msb said...

I've been off tx for about 4 months and just starting to feel better. and I still have the creepy virus. :+( Ronnie's right, it will get better. :+) I'm at nomads as msb. and of course my blog.

Fishwhiskers said...

Aye aye aye, that does not sound good. If I get like this, I am probably going to kill the bday guests ^^

Isnt there any little treats you can cheer yourself up with? A little massage there, a little pampering there, going for a nice vegan thai ...

I know what you mean about the therapy. Been in many and had the same feeling as you ... didnt move a step further. But then I went to a wonderful family therapist in Doncaster (which was even free) and the woman wasnt prepared to listen to my rantings about how weak and meek I was, but kept pointing out the good things I was doing and to focus on them. At some point it made 'click' and my perspective completely changed. Ok, I still get disappointed in myself, but then I sit down an count the positives that happened that week. It helps!!

Wish I could come and see you and talk to you, but you know it's my last week of tx and I better stay put.

Big warm, comforting hugs

H. Heart said...

Thought I was reading my own blog for a minute. Looks like we are all in the detox crash down spin. Once a doctor told me crying released endorphins that made you feel better. Thats why you feel better after a good cry. I just remembered that. Maybe we should cry instead of taking anti-ds. Trouble is finding a private place to cry those good tears. So remember crying is not a sign of weakness. Its good sometimes. At least we all have each other to understand. The poor family thought it would be over. You just need your fiance to make you laugh. Laughing releases those good endorphins too.

My daughter uses the blow dryer on the eyelash curler to heat it then curls her lashes. You have inspired me to try it. Maybe seeing my long lashes curling will give me a lift.

magda said...

I wish I was there to cheer you up