Saturday, April 19, 2008

999

shot number nine was shit last night.

not so much the sx as just the taking it.

i really really fucked it up again.

i've been trying too hard to keep life as normal and now its time to start thinking about myself more. friday nights around here have always been the dressing room for my daughter's usual friday night show = last night she was belly dancing...so as usual stopped by on the way to the club to get ready here.

and the fiance keeps deciding that he needs to make me a nice dinner and take care of me despite weekly me saying its not what i need. i know he is italian and a x-chef so its in his blood to do this but i have finally had to be really firm. needing to eat light and early cant be ignored anymore.

nor can my need for privacy on shot night.

last night i got soo stressed by having no privacy that i ruined one shot and spilled half of another one. i'm not worried but it is going to be embarassing to have to explain to the hep nurse that i'm crap at getting the air bubbles out and don't know what i'm doing wrong.

altho having the fiance come in half way through to tell me my bright red lipstick (to match my nails) was rubbed off didn't help at all!!!! i was so stressed i couldn't even tell him to fuck off out of the kitchen...

yes. i do my shot in the kitchen. its where the light is best.
and as i struggle so much with trying to get the air bubbles out of the injection its the only place i can be in the house...so much for fucking bedroom mood lighting.

which is where i ended up.
under the covers fully clothed, stressed and upset and depressed to the point of being suicidal.
i know its the meds but it is scary how quickly it escalates now. just with that the anti-d's would kick in properly and stop the emotional turmooils.

so i know i fucked up and i'm embarrassed.
but i've had to ban the fiance from the house on fridays now or at least til after my shot is done.

which sucks and is scary for me.

3 comments:

Fishwhiskers said...

Oh dear, I know what you mean about the privacy. I am the same ... and I am used to injecting ;-) I do mine in the bathroom, locked door and all. It's become quite a ritual LOL.

Couldnt you do the shot a bit earlier and then let him and daughter come round. At least, if you're feeling bad you got company.

My heart goes out to you.
Love
Fishy xxx

ronnie said...

Hang in there Kitty, I found myself sobbing into a fridge full of food today "cause there was nothing to eat and my DVD player had stopped working. My husband was completely astounded as was I! It is the meds. I have had to set some strong boundries with my family. I find it so hard especially being such a perfectionist. I have just done shot 12. I'm now counting down the shots. That will be you soon!! I'm starting to get that I have limitations!!
I wish you all the best. It is very stressfull and relentless. Don't lose sight of the prize!!
Love
Ronnie xo

hepkittie said...

thanks so much both of you - hope you are well xxx